Chubby, Like Me

A few years ago, I wrote a blog on MySpace entitled "Fat, Like Me". In that blog, I delved into the "fat discrimination" issue and the attitude towards those who were overweight. I went head-on into it because I had first hand experience about the overweight/obesity issue. I should know, around the time I reprised the blog in 2010, I weighed at least 300 pounds. I will never know how much I weighed back then since I never weighed myself.

Honestly, I did not want to-- because it would be too shocking since I weighed about 180 twenty years earlier. I was a fat kid, and teenage angst made me thinner. I dieted, but I did it out of anger. In my "angry" years, mainly in my 20's, I wanted to be THE GUY with a chip on his shoulder! But something happened, I got laid, okay I got a job first (and THEN I got laid, but enough about me and my libido later). But as I got "happier", and got more money, and got a piece now and then (okay, I'll stop), I started to get relaxed and my anger slowed down (because who can get laid pissed off and broke?) The truth was I was comfortable and I was more accepting towards myself. For those who remembered me in my 20's...well, I am surprised some of you are my friends on Facebook! By the way, sorry I was an asshole back then!

So when I wrote that blog, I was fairly happy and fat... AND THEN THE RECESSION HAPPENED! In the field of work I'm in, mental health (MR/DD),  State and Federal funds got cut and so did my hours. I ended up getting a second job in Geriatrics, but the squeeze already started! It got to the point that I was spending more on gas than food-- whatever food I could buy, I rationed. I kinda got angry again but instead of dwelling on the miserable economy, I set goals. I started walking my dogs more often, then I started to walk myself about 5-10 miles a week.

But the signs were out there to lose weight. I had some fat jokes thrown around by my clients, especially my clients in my Geriatric job! Also, I woke up short of breath on several occasions.When I bent over just to tie my shoe, I felt like I was choking myself! I also purchsed a size 46 pair of shorts that I barely squeezed into. Probably around in April of 2010, I might have weighed 315 pounds! Around that time I wrote "Fat, Like Me", I wrote about being fat because I WAS fat! I'm still fat now, but I now can be considered "chubby".

Two years, close to four pant sizes, and maybe 71 pounds later (I actually WEIGH myself now and I currently weigh 244 lbs.!), my BODY is starting to get happy! I can squeeze into a 38' pair of pants but I can wear size 40's with ease (which is GREAT b/c anything over a 44" waist is at least two dollars more in most chain stores)! I have a waistline now and in the shower, I CAN NOW SEE MY BALLS!!!! Sorry Mom and others who are "sensitive readers"for the frankness, but seeing my "man parts' in the shower is a liberating experience! I even RAN a mile a couple of weeks ago!

With a new waistline come a new attitude. If I can lose 70 plus pounds, maybe I can do ANYTHING! And "anything" is starting to happen, I'm getting more hours, I am now out more often (but eat out less), and I have more women talking to me. I am working to lose a few more pounds (to the point I will write a blog called "Skinny, Like Me"), and I am working to get a girlfriend, maybe a wife-- after I have seen my own "man parts" I wouldn't mind seeing some "lady parts" now and then!

Call it a "diet", but I never really dieted; I just cut down on food and go for more walks (now I'm up to at least 2 miles a day, 5 days a week). Call it an "attitude change' but I still believe that fat discrimation is still out of hand and overweight people are still looked down upon which I still think is wrong. I am in a new category now, but I'm not going to do a commercial nor be on "Biggest Loser" (I STILL HATE that show, by the way). Even now, after all the weight I had lost, I am still blind when it comes to looks. Looks count, but I still go for personalities first! I still can't get into the whole "skinny" thing and I will still have a pizza or chips and dip but it's few and far between. After all of this, I still want a girl who's not "exactly" skinny. The bottom line is that self appreciation comes in any size! And in the words of SNL character, Stuart Smalley "... and that's OKAY!"

Ginger Ale And Oranges

I had one of the best holiday seasons in years. I gave as much as I recieved, for a rare moment I gave something to myself for once! This was "the Christmas of the self fulfilling prophecy" for me. Going through so much shit this year, treating myself was my way to say "screw off' to 2011. The survival mode took over halfway through the year. Instead of praying for my hope, I made my own hope.

Now you think what I just said as "selfish" and maybe "shallow". I am sure that you had those "me" moments as well-- where you just had to think of you and yours as the main goal. "Survival mode" is pretty much the flavor of the year. Most of us got choked by personal beliefs which end up being personal politics. Next thing FOX News, CNN, and MSNBC mixes everything up in the mud and thus the fingerpointing begins. There was an old saying that my 6th Grade teacher Mr. Young said about finger pointing-- he pretty much said "If you point your finger at somebody, there's three other fingers pointing back at you!"

So we're back at the "self fulfilling prophecy" thing again-- we end up with the fingerpointing to the point when we guilt ourselves three times over. Tired of all the bullshit I endured from quick choices, taking other people's words, and other desperate ideals; I decided to take the "f--- it" approach. I went to my happy place, and a "screw 'em if they can't take a joke" attitude.

My "happy place" is my good moments in my past-- a past of innocence and belief. When I was a kid, it was a big deal if you had oranges and ginger ale for Christmas. Dunno why, it was something about that those two things that screamed "Christmas!" to me-- maybe even to others. I dunno why I always defend the "Old School" way of doing things, but in these times don't we need the "old school" things more than ever? Everything is about "here and now", the problem is that "here and now" currently sucks and we tend to blame political parties and political figureheads. I just got tired of the game, and looked ahead to Christmas.

My Christmas and New Years was a more of a defense mechanism than anything. I am not going to details but I had my fair share of broken promises, crazy people, and having my back against the wall. I got sick of beating myself up and for once I decided to kick fate's ass and left it lie bleeding and unconscious in a dark alley somewhere in my imagination. But instead of  a lead pipe and brass knuckles, I used my charm and some positive energy. I decided to do it with a Santa hat and a smile.

Come late December, I set my phaser for "kill" and do all away with the crap. I bought some gifts for my friends and neighbors-- BUT, for once, I decided to get the lion's share of my own gift giving!  I bought myself a leather jacket and a good pair of running shoes. Okay, it's a pleather jacket, but looks like the real thing. The running shoes serve as a statement-- I do a lot of walking and I just started running again; in fact, just yesterday; after 17 years. You can say the times got leaner and I kinda got leaner myself-- blame higher food prices and gas prices-- had to ration both. Instead of worrying and getting pissed off, I did a Forrest Gump and just started walking-- and did it more often. I look good in my pleather jacket and new skids--DAMN GOOD. It might be the weight loss, living a little more cautiously, but more than anything I adopted a new attitude in the past year.

But more than the sneakers and jacket, I treated myself to the creature comforts, namely a 2 liter bottle of ginger ale and a 3 pack of Florida oranges to regain that lost sense of security that I had when I was a kid. As I unpeeled an orange and took a piece in my mouth and washed it down with some ginger ale, I knew everything was going to be alright. And it was-- I got a rare call-in for work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day for a 24 hour shift. It was just for extra hours, but I was grateful for work hours let alone extra work hours which gave me a reason to spoil myself for once!

When I was done with the 24; it was a sleep shift, so I wasn't that tired; I went to a nearby Chinese Buffet and had myself some Chinese-- I could've been other places or even made my own turkey or whatever-- but I WANTED CHINESE. I would traditionally have pizza on Christmas Eve, but didn't have the time-- my quest for roast pork and vegetables and egg rolls took over my senses. Got out of my car, dusted off the work off my new pleather jacket and went to the buffet and had a plate and a half of Chinese ecstasy.  At the end of my selfish but needful feast, I recieved a fortune cookie. I opened it and ate the cookie as the sole dessert of my big savory multi meat meal. I read the fortune of my cookie; it read "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade"; but I made lemonade with ginger ale and oranges!